Forgotten musings

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

             This entry may seem a little out of place, but really, anything belongs as long as it's authentic, right? Well since it's my blog, I say yes!

            Anyway, I've been thinking.  I think I'm a relatively "good person".  I try to be kind to my fellow man, show authentic empathy... you know just considering the feelings of others.  I try, anyway.  I also seem to have misplaced, or never received, the ability to consider "ulterior motives" of others.  If someone says something, I believe them.  Yes, intellectually I realize that we all have the capacity for dishonesty, but it seems to me that it would be awfully exhausting to assume someone is lying, and to try and figure out why.  Yes, I have been duped.  But less often then you would think, and apparently not enough to change my automated trust level.  Is this a good thing or a bad thing?  Am I naive, too trusting, etc?

         So here's where I went with this... I realized there a couple people in my life that tend to automatically assume that I am being deceptive in my dealings with them.  And have I ever lied to these people?  Yes.  But in context, these are individuals that share with me a long and... complicated... history.  And the lies have gone both ways.  But here's the thing.  I have never set out to intentionally cause lasting trouble or pain in either of their lives.  Have I hurt them?  Yes.  Mostly though, in the bright red moment of a heated argument.  Have I made mistakes which directly or indirectly impacted their lives in a negative way?  Unfortunately, I have.   I have not, however,  made a premeditated, intentional or vengeful attempt to ruin anyone's life.  But you know what?  Both of them have done that to me.  

         Now, don't worry... I'm not writing to have a pity party called "they are out to get me".  I am pointing out that those that assume people have ulterior motives are often the ones that actually themselves have them.  Some people are not "nice" unless they are trying to get somewhere with it. Sadly, this type of person has no loyalty, in the sense that they will jump fences quickly and without regret if it serves their ultimate purpose.  But this type of thinking and behavior is extremely short sighted.    

       In my last post, I joyfully declared that effective communication had taken place in regards to a situation with my ex-spouse regarding one of our children.  In my mind, I thought we had finally reached a common place, I had used the analogy of two rivers finding the mutual ocean.  

The reality, I found out later, is that he assumes I will ultimately betray him, and not be of my word.  He said nothing of this to me.  Ironically, I have kept my word to him in matters dealing with our kids, except when I could not, and never in a purposely deceitful way.  No, I am not saying that I am a saint, but I have not ever planned an elaborate hoax in an effort to mislead him.  In fact, there have been several instances when I could have easily taken an action that would have seriously affected his life.  Amid the war cries of my "anti-cheerleaders" (again, see previous post) to "do what he did to you!", I chose to not take that road, ultimately knowing that although it would be "justice", I did not want to cause hurt to someone that my children love.  What good would come of it?  A brief moment of revenge? That's not my thing.  Besides, they say living well is the best revenge, and I believe that "living well" is feeling good about the choices we make.   My choices are not just my own, they affect my kids, and they also set an example for them.  I don't want them to grow up to live a life where they are always trying to "get even".  

              I've said this to a few friends, and it's true... if my ex-spouse found himself homeless, perhaps thrown out of his home by his significant other (a possibility at times, it seems), I would genuinely offer for him to camp out on my couch until he had the ability to get on his feet.  I know, with almost absolute certainty, that he would never do the same for me.  My anti-cheerleaders have pointed this out.  That isn't the point, I argue, because I don't do something for someone else only if I know they would do the same for me.  That is neither genuine or authentic.  I would do it because it's the right thing to do. Would I have my children see their father homeless? Granted, he has other places he could go (and would probably prefer).  But I want to show my children mercy in action, not just in word.  

             Yes, I have yelled at him, gotten angry and told him off.  No, I do not like him (hence the divorce). But at the end of the day, I mean him no ill will.  He is the father of my children.  They love him, even if I do not.  I really wish that he held the same outlook. Not because I want him to help me, but because I want him to believe me. 

          I have no reason to lie to this man.  But he still thinks I do.  

Communication and Conflict Resolution (or, The Most Important Thing I Have Ever Written)

Well, it’s been a while since my last blog post.  Much has changed as I continue to travel my individual journey on this epic adventure called life.  But rather than go into my own comings and goings, I feel compelled to write about a few insights, specifically about communication and conflict resolution (as the blog title would lead you to believe).

No matter how enlightened or evolved we believe we are (or are not, whatever the case may be), we all have people in our lives that challenge our inner peace… or the desire for it.  Such is part of the human experience, not all is rosy, and we are not sitting in a circle singing “kumbaya” (as awesome as that may be).  All of us have been living our unique journeys, complete with our individual experiences which shape our beliefs.  No one is “right” and no one is “wrong”.  We are simply on different paths, at different times.  Surely you do not view the world or have the same core beliefs you did twenty years ago?  And are you not as steadfast now, as you were then, that you have all the evidence you need to feel the way you do about an issue?  If this is true for you, it is also true for others.  No one desires conflict for the sake of conflict (well, no one reading this, I’m guessing).  If you find yourself at odds about an issue with another person, you can be almost certain that they are as steadfast in their “rightness” as you are.  Is there a middle ground, a place for compromise?  Absolutely.  But this requires that (hopefully) both parties keep an open mind, that is to say, be willing to hear the reasons for the other person’s belief or opinion. When we understand where someone is coming from, and it is always based on their past experience, we can find a middle ground in which to meet.  Dig deeper until you can find that commonality.  Find a place where you both want to be.  Imagine your experiences, beliefs and your individual journey as rivers leading to an ocean.  Can you find the same ocean destination though you may travel by ways of different rivers?  Too often we get caught up in the details and lose sight of the end result. 

*See my previous blog post, “The Power of Faith” for more on this. That blog entry centers on the ways in which two individuals of very different belief systems can locate the commonality and find unity*

It is so easy to fall into the trap of defensiveness or feeling victimized.  I say “trap” because it is just that; a place in which you are stuck with no way out.  Take a moment to reflect, when has becoming defensive or feeling victimized ever helped your situation, or helped you to resolve conflict?  I will answer for myself, never.  Sure, you can always tantrum your way into getting your way, but this does not solve anything.  It simply breaks the other party down to a place where they “give in” to your demands.  In the long term, unless these people you have “broken down” are close family members (and even in that case), you will find them distancing themselves from you and your life.  But all is not lost. 

For the sake of example, I will share a bit of my story.  I have an ex-spouse.  We have two children together.  Because we are no longer married, it is easy to surmise that we have problems getting along, enough that it would challenge me to change the belief that I had long held about not divorcing when children are involved (based on my experiences as a child of divorce, I should mention).  I have no way of really ever knowing how this person feels towards me, or the slights that he feels I have done towards him.  I do know, however, that his every action or belief is based on his individual experience, and what he believes to be true.  Are some of his beliefs about me “wrong”?  Most definitely.  But the very same thing can be said for my beliefs about him.  We have both assumed things about the other in the five years since our divorce that have proven wrong (despite all the “evidence from experience” we had to back it up).  We have blown up at each other, hung up on each other, and called each other the most colorful names imaginable. Believe me when I say this… I could easily spend hours lamenting the wrongs I feel he has done me.  I could fester with anger at the injustices, plot my revenge, and rally support from well-meaning friends and family.  And I have.  And the results of these activities fuel more anger, expand anger to others, ignite anxiety… and solve absolutely nothing. 

So to bring it back around to the point of conflict resolution, where is our commonality, where do we both want to be, where is our ocean?  In this case, our ocean is our children.  Though we have vastly different ways of getting there by our individual rivers of experience and belief,   the ocean represents the children we both love and the happy, healthy, and well-adjusted individuals we want them to become.  Stopping on the way to the ocean to continually point out blemishes in our rivers to one another does nothing to help get us to that ocean.  It impedes it.

I know this to be true.  I have proven this to myself.  And although I can (if I want… but why?) find reasons to feel slighted or victimized by this man, I have realized that this is paramount to beating my head, continually and perpetually, against a concrete wall.   Another problem though, is that we live in a society that celebrates and even encourages the futility of victimization.  I do not speak from a place above or beyond this.  I am in this.  In our own microcosm of society, our friends, family, coworkers, even spiritual cohorts, we can always find a willing supporter of our victimization.  An “anti-cheerleader” that will back up every slight we feel, fuel our fire and help us plot our revenge.  At the very least, one that would agree with and add to our bitter insults towards the object of our anger.  And we do this because victimization needs vindication and validation. 

I will say this again.  Victimization needs vindication and validation.  Without them, there is no victimization.  We do this for our friends, our family, and our loved ones because we want to help them feel justified in their anger, validate their feelings and encourage their belief that they are right and the other person is wrong.  This has become so natural, so expected, that we automatically do this without taking into account if it solves anything, not to mention examine if it makes the situation worse.  This is absolutely not to say that there is no place for “being there” for someone who has been traumatized or hurt.  Absolutely we can be the shoulder to cry on for someone we care about when they are hurting.  But eventually we want that person we care for to stand up and be happy, to be at peace.  But it is impossible to be at peace while feeling victimized.  It is also impossible to resolve conflict while holding on to the belief of victimization, or the belief that one must be “right” and the other must be “wrong”. 

So where do we go from here?  What do we do now?  The first step is a doozy, and it may cause some people to take offense (which is precisely what this step means for us not to do), is to truly realize and claim the fact that we are solely responsible for our own feelings.  Stay with me here.  Taking into account that peace is impossible while feeling victimized, realize that everyone’s actions are a reflection of their own beliefs, ideas and experiences, and that any action (by word or deed) taken towards you, is theirs.  Not yours.  Your choice, and truly your only control, is how you react (or not react) to these actions.  You can reflect that their opinion does not match your own, or that their values are not in line with you values, and this can either strengthen your own beliefs or lead to further growth.  But it is your choice, and your choice alone, to engage in a debate or argument with someone, even if you believe with everything in your being that they are “wrong”. Why?  Because they believe with the same tenacity that they are “right”.  Everything in the human experience is objective, that is, based on our individual and unique journey.  As Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in his amazing book based on Toltec Wisdom, “The Four Agreements” (seriously, if you haven’t read it, go buy two copies… Right. Now.  One to keep and one to give away later after you have finished so you won’t have to part with yours. You will thank me later), Don’t Take Anything Personally.   

In the summary pic that floats around the internet, the second agreement is broken down as this

DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

-Nothing others do is because of you

-What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream

-When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering

That kind of sums up what I’ve been writing about, doesn’t it?  I can be a bit wordy, but I believe using relatable experiences helps us to apply helpful techniques to our own lives.   Taking this into account, as well as letting go (even if just for a few moments) the victimization I myself had felt in regards to my ex-husband,  I was able to be part of a constructive conversation regarding one of our children recently.  Instead of getting hung up on what I consider to be shortcomings or errors on his part (based on my own beliefs, of course), I was able for the first time in a long time, if ever, to see the ocean.  We found commonality, and respected the differences in getting there.  While I may not agree with his methods, his life, or choices he has made, I also know that none of those things are in my control.  Nothing I can say or do will change those things.  I can choose to feel victimized or angered by what I feel he is doing wrong (and find any number of anti-cheerleaders to back me up) or I can allow.  One choice results in a sore and bloody head (from banging it against a concrete wall), or at the very least anger, anxiety and a lack of inner peace, and the other choice results in calm.  It is only my choice. This is what I mean by the statement to accept the fact that we are solely responsible for our feelings.  It is only my choice.  It is my only choice for peace to allow.

In the end, we both saw our ocean together.  Is this because of some cosmic alignment of the stars that we finally agree on something?  Or because I chose to listen, to be open, and to not be defensive or victimized, were we finally able to meet in the middle?  Again, I have no control over his words or actions.  I only have control over mine. The second part is the very personal part of not allowing victimization to enter my consciousness.  To do so is to allow an unwelcome guest in my home, one which feeds on anger, anxiety and fear.  My goal is peace. I have had a lifetime of anger, anxiety and fear, and I know there is a better way.  We all have had too much of victimization busting in, wearing a mask of concern, begging to be pitied, validated and vindicated.  It is time to show this unwelcome guest to the door, taking with it the negative energy it carries.  Only then can we allow peace to move in.