Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
This entry may seem a little out of place, but really, anything belongs as long as it's authentic, right? Well since it's my blog, I say yes!
Anyway, I've been thinking. I think I'm a relatively "good person". I try to be kind to my fellow man, show authentic empathy... you know just considering the feelings of others. I try, anyway. I also seem to have misplaced, or never received, the ability to consider "ulterior motives" of others. If someone says something, I believe them. Yes, intellectually I realize that we all have the capacity for dishonesty, but it seems to me that it would be awfully exhausting to assume someone is lying, and to try and figure out why. Yes, I have been duped. But less often then you would think, and apparently not enough to change my automated trust level. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Am I naive, too trusting, etc?
So here's where I went with this... I realized there a couple people in my life that tend to automatically assume that I am being deceptive in my dealings with them. And have I ever lied to these people? Yes. But in context, these are individuals that share with me a long and... complicated... history. And the lies have gone both ways. But here's the thing. I have never set out to intentionally cause lasting trouble or pain in either of their lives. Have I hurt them? Yes. Mostly though, in the bright red moment of a heated argument. Have I made mistakes which directly or indirectly impacted their lives in a negative way? Unfortunately, I have. I have not, however, made a premeditated, intentional or vengeful attempt to ruin anyone's life. But you know what? Both of them have done that to me.
Now, don't worry... I'm not writing to have a pity party called "they are out to get me". I am pointing out that those that assume people have ulterior motives are often the ones that actually themselves have them. Some people are not "nice" unless they are trying to get somewhere with it. Sadly, this type of person has no loyalty, in the sense that they will jump fences quickly and without regret if it serves their ultimate purpose. But this type of thinking and behavior is extremely short sighted.
In my last post, I joyfully declared that effective communication had taken place in regards to a situation with my ex-spouse regarding one of our children. In my mind, I thought we had finally reached a common place, I had used the analogy of two rivers finding the mutual ocean.
The reality, I found out later, is that he assumes I will ultimately betray him, and not be of my word. He said nothing of this to me. Ironically, I have kept my word to him in matters dealing with our kids, except when I could not, and never in a purposely deceitful way. No, I am not saying that I am a saint, but I have not ever planned an elaborate hoax in an effort to mislead him. In fact, there have been several instances when I could have easily taken an action that would have seriously affected his life. Amid the war cries of my "anti-cheerleaders" (again, see previous post) to "do what he did to you!", I chose to not take that road, ultimately knowing that although it would be "justice", I did not want to cause hurt to someone that my children love. What good would come of it? A brief moment of revenge? That's not my thing. Besides, they say living well is the best revenge, and I believe that "living well" is feeling good about the choices we make. My choices are not just my own, they affect my kids, and they also set an example for them. I don't want them to grow up to live a life where they are always trying to "get even".
I've said this to a few friends, and it's true... if my ex-spouse found himself homeless, perhaps thrown out of his home by his significant other (a possibility at times, it seems), I would genuinely offer for him to camp out on my couch until he had the ability to get on his feet. I know, with almost absolute certainty, that he would never do the same for me. My anti-cheerleaders have pointed this out. That isn't the point, I argue, because I don't do something for someone else only if I know they would do the same for me. That is neither genuine or authentic. I would do it because it's the right thing to do. Would I have my children see their father homeless? Granted, he has other places he could go (and would probably prefer). But I want to show my children mercy in action, not just in word.
Yes, I have yelled at him, gotten angry and told him off. No, I do not like him (hence the divorce). But at the end of the day, I mean him no ill will. He is the father of my children. They love him, even if I do not. I really wish that he held the same outlook. Not because I want him to help me, but because I want him to believe me.
I have no reason to lie to this man. But he still thinks I do.
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