Well, it’s been a while since my last blog
post. Much has changed as I continue to travel my individual journey on
this epic adventure called life. But rather than go into my own comings
and goings, I feel compelled to write about a few insights, specifically about
communication and conflict resolution (as the blog title would lead you to
believe).
No matter how enlightened or evolved we believe we
are (or are not, whatever the case may be), we all have people in our lives
that challenge our inner peace… or the desire for it. Such is part of the human experience, not all
is rosy, and we are not sitting in a circle singing “kumbaya” (as awesome as
that may be). All of us have been living our unique journeys, complete with our
individual experiences which shape our beliefs.
No one is “right” and no one is “wrong”.
We are simply on different paths, at different times. Surely you do not view the world or have the same
core beliefs you did twenty years ago?
And are you not as steadfast now, as you were then, that you have all
the evidence you need to feel the way you do about an issue? If this is true for you, it is also true for
others. No one desires conflict for the sake of conflict (well, no one reading
this, I’m guessing). If you find
yourself at odds about an issue with another person, you can be almost certain
that they are as steadfast in their “rightness” as you are. Is there a middle ground, a place for compromise? Absolutely.
But this requires that (hopefully) both parties keep an open mind, that
is to say, be willing to hear the reasons
for the other person’s belief or opinion. When we understand where someone is
coming from, and it is always based on their past experience, we can find a
middle ground in which to meet. Dig deeper
until you can find that commonality.
Find a place where you both want to be.
Imagine your experiences, beliefs and your individual journey as rivers
leading to an ocean. Can you find the
same ocean destination though you may travel by ways of different rivers? Too often we get caught up in the details and
lose sight of the end result.
*See my previous blog post, “The Power of Faith”
for more on this. That blog entry centers on the ways in which two individuals
of very different belief systems can locate the commonality and find unity*
It is so easy to fall into the trap of defensiveness
or feeling victimized. I say “trap”
because it is just that; a place in which you are stuck with no way out. Take a moment to reflect, when has becoming
defensive or feeling victimized ever helped your situation, or helped you to
resolve conflict? I will answer for myself,
never. Sure, you can always tantrum your
way into getting your way, but this does not solve anything. It simply breaks the other party down to a
place where they “give in” to your demands.
In the long term, unless these people you have “broken down” are close
family members (and even in that case), you will find them distancing
themselves from you and your life. But
all is not lost.
For the sake of example, I will share a bit of my
story. I have an ex-spouse. We have two children together. Because we are no longer married, it is easy
to surmise that we have problems getting along, enough that it would challenge
me to change the belief that I had long held about not divorcing when children
are involved (based on my experiences as a child of divorce, I should mention). I have no way of really ever knowing how this
person feels towards me, or the slights that he feels I have done towards him. I do know, however, that his every action or belief
is based on his individual experience, and what he believes to be true. Are some of his beliefs about me “wrong”? Most definitely. But the very same thing can be said for my
beliefs about him. We have both assumed
things about the other in the five years since our divorce that have proven
wrong (despite all the “evidence from experience” we had to back it up). We have blown up at each other, hung up on
each other, and called each other the most colorful names imaginable. Believe
me when I say this… I could easily spend hours lamenting the wrongs I feel he
has done me. I could fester with anger
at the injustices, plot my revenge, and rally support from well-meaning friends
and family. And I have. And the results of these activities fuel more
anger, expand anger to others, ignite anxiety… and solve absolutely
nothing.
So to bring it back around to the point of conflict
resolution, where is our commonality, where do we both want to be, where is our
ocean? In this case, our ocean is our
children. Though we have vastly
different ways of getting there by our individual rivers of experience and
belief, the ocean represents the children
we both love and the happy, healthy, and well-adjusted individuals we want them
to become. Stopping on the way to the
ocean to continually point out blemishes in our rivers to one another does
nothing to help get us to that ocean. It
impedes it.
I know this to be true. I have proven this to myself. And although I can (if I want… but why?) find
reasons to feel slighted or victimized by this man, I have realized that this
is paramount to beating my head, continually and perpetually, against a
concrete wall. Another problem though, is that we live in a
society that celebrates and even encourages
the futility of victimization. I do not
speak from a place above or beyond this.
I am in this. In our own microcosm
of society, our friends, family, coworkers, even spiritual cohorts, we can
always find a willing supporter of our victimization. An “anti-cheerleader” that will back up every
slight we feel, fuel our fire and help us plot our revenge. At the very least, one that would agree with
and add to our bitter insults towards the object of our anger. And we do this because victimization needs vindication and validation.
I will say this again. Victimization
needs vindication and validation.
Without them, there is no victimization.
We do this for our friends, our family, and our loved ones because we
want to help them feel justified in their anger, validate their feelings and
encourage their belief that they are right and the other person is wrong. This has become so natural, so expected, that
we automatically do this without taking into account if it solves anything, not
to mention examine if it makes the situation worse. This is absolutely
not to say that there is no place for “being there” for someone who has been
traumatized or hurt. Absolutely we can
be the shoulder to cry on for someone we care about when they are hurting. But eventually we want that person we care
for to stand up and be happy, to be at peace.
But it is impossible to be at peace while feeling victimized. It is also impossible to resolve conflict
while holding on to the belief of victimization, or the belief that one must be
“right” and the other must be “wrong”.
So where do we go from here? What do we do now? The first step is a doozy, and it may cause
some people to take offense (which is precisely what this step means for us not
to do), is to truly realize and claim the fact that we are solely responsible
for our own feelings. Stay with me
here. Taking into account that peace is impossible
while feeling victimized, realize that everyone’s actions are a reflection of
their own beliefs, ideas and experiences, and that any action (by word or deed)
taken towards you, is theirs. Not yours. Your choice, and truly your only control, is
how you react (or not react) to these actions.
You can reflect that their opinion does not match your own, or that
their values are not in line with you values, and this can either strengthen
your own beliefs or lead to further growth.
But it is your choice, and your choice alone, to engage in a debate or argument
with someone, even if you believe with
everything in your being that they are “wrong”. Why? Because they believe with the same tenacity
that they are “right”. Everything in the
human experience is objective, that is, based on our individual and unique
journey. As Don Miguel Ruiz wrote in his
amazing book based on Toltec Wisdom, “The Four Agreements” (seriously, if you
haven’t read it, go buy two copies… Right. Now.
One to keep and one to give away later after you have finished so you
won’t have to part with yours. You will thank me later), Don’t Take Anything
Personally.
In the summary pic that floats around the internet,
the second agreement is broken down as this
DON’T
TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
-Nothing others do is because of you
-What others say and do is a projection of their own
reality, their own dream
-When you are immune to the opinions and actions of
others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering
That kind of sums up what I’ve been writing about,
doesn’t it? I can be a bit wordy, but I
believe using relatable experiences helps us to apply helpful techniques to our
own lives. Taking this into account, as
well as letting go (even if just for a few moments) the victimization I myself
had felt in regards to my ex-husband, I
was able to be part of a constructive conversation regarding one of our
children recently. Instead of getting hung
up on what I consider to be shortcomings or errors on his part (based on my own
beliefs, of course), I was able for the first time in a long time, if ever, to
see the ocean. We found commonality, and
respected the differences in getting there.
While I may not agree with his methods, his life, or choices he has
made, I also know that none of those things are in my control. Nothing I can say or do will change those
things. I can choose to feel victimized or angered by what I feel he is doing
wrong (and find any number of anti-cheerleaders to back me up) or I can
allow. One choice results in a sore and
bloody head (from banging it against a concrete wall), or at the very least
anger, anxiety and a lack of inner peace, and the other choice results in
calm. It is only my choice. This is what I mean by the statement to accept the fact
that we are solely responsible for our feelings. It is only my choice. It is my only
choice for peace to allow.
In the end, we both saw our ocean together. Is this because of some cosmic alignment of
the stars that we finally agree on something?
Or because I chose to listen, to be open, and to not be defensive or
victimized, were we finally able to meet in the middle? Again, I have no control over his words or
actions. I only have control over mine.
The second part is the very personal part of not allowing victimization to
enter my consciousness. To do so is to
allow an unwelcome guest in my home, one which feeds on anger, anxiety and
fear. My goal is peace. I have had a
lifetime of anger, anxiety and fear, and I know there is a better way. We all have had too much of victimization busting
in, wearing a mask of concern, begging to be pitied, validated and
vindicated. It is time to show this
unwelcome guest to the door, taking with it the negative energy it
carries. Only then can we allow peace to
move in.
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