I’ve never been much of a gambler, in fact the
last time I was in Vegas (for my sister’s wedding), I didn’t so much as put a
quarter in a slot machine. I guess my
thinking has always been, I have this $20 or $40, it may not be much, but I
HAVE it. I can spend it on what I
need. With gambling, there is always a
chance to make more money, but there is no guarantee. I’d rather have the sure thing.
I made the decision to stop dating over a year
ago. I’ve been completely happy with
this decision, as during this time I have also returned to college, so I have
even less time to devote to “dating”.
Recently though, my son has suggested a few times that I get a boyfriend
so I can have someone to help me out. He
sees me struggle to make ends meet financially, keep our home up, and take care
of all the things that require my attention.
His father, on the other hand, has been coupled up from the time we
divorced, and as a double income and double adult household, things probably
run a bit smoother.
I explained to my son that I don’t need a
boyfriend to help me, because we are doing okay. Besides, I would have to share
my time with someone else, and I would rather keep it all for him and his
sister.
Of course I understand where he is coming from, he
only wanted to suggest a solution to help his mommy. And how I love my boy’s sweet, dear heart for
it. From a parental perspective, my
choosing the single life wasn’t necessarily aimed to teach my children independence,
but this will be a natural side effect.
Being of two different households will show them options, and that both
work… just work differently.
I wasn’t always “miss independent”, and for a long
time I was searching for someone to sweep me off my feet, rescue me, and take
care of me. Over the years of my adult
life, I found many who were willing to do just that. I even fell in love with a few of them, and
consequently, also had my heart broken a fair share of times. As I listen to my playlist of music (as I
always do while writing), any given song can trigger the ache still lingering
in the scar tissue of my heart. As that happened today, I realized another reason
for my choosing the single life. In
addition to the life lesson for my kids, I also realized that I simply don’t
want to feel that soul penetrating pain again.
I may only have one income, and I may struggle,
but I have my life. It’s mine. Sure, there is a chance of “happily ever
after”, but like gambling, there is no guarantee. I’ve been deeply in love, and I know how euphoric
it can be. I have been heartbroken, and
I have healed, knowing eventually the hurt lessens. Today
I know that I “got this”, and I’m not willing to place that bet on the table
for the chance of something “more”.
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