Poetry and somewhat coherent prose from 2009-2014 in descending order. Watch me revert emotionally and back again.
ramble ramble
Still tripping on that same spot
every time I go out for a walk...
Re-scraping
or tearing open
once again
ancient wounds.
But I want to walk without tripping
and fall without skipping
or being afraid
as I
look up at the sky..
every time I go out for a walk...
Re-scraping
or tearing open
once again
ancient wounds.
But I want to walk without tripping
and fall without skipping
or being afraid
as I
look up at the sky..
reckoning
Words drip thick with meaning
As I pour out my soul...
My pen the microphone
Shouting for anyone to hear
Solving a puzzle unsolvable...
Deeper down the rabbit hole
afraid to face how many times I've
Fucked. Things. Up.
Brave enough to try?
This is my new wonder...
can I let go, resist the sweet tempting fruit
Of familiarity?
Can I allow what I desire to want?
As I pour out my soul...
My pen the microphone
Shouting for anyone to hear
Solving a puzzle unsolvable...
Deeper down the rabbit hole
afraid to face how many times I've
Fucked. Things. Up.
Brave enough to try?
This is my new wonder...
can I let go, resist the sweet tempting fruit
Of familiarity?
Can I allow what I desire to want?
poetry
Torture of my soul?
But no, it cannot be.
An illusion of torture, my own private and personalized hell.
Lost in fear, lost in the unknown..
but too terrified to ask the question?
No, too terrified to hear the answer
Afraid it's meaningless,
afraid it's all in my head,
afraid to be left out in the cold
when all my warmth is gone.
Just want to start again,
hit the reset button
but keeping what I learned
no amnesia again
Reborn with perfect knowledge
doing it right
this time
this time
doing it right
finally
this time
But I can't and I'm here
and the hour is growing late
"oh baby, baby... it's a wild world"
But no, it cannot be.
An illusion of torture, my own private and personalized hell.
Lost in fear, lost in the unknown..
but too terrified to ask the question?
No, too terrified to hear the answer
Afraid it's meaningless,
afraid it's all in my head,
afraid to be left out in the cold
when all my warmth is gone.
Just want to start again,
hit the reset button
but keeping what I learned
no amnesia again
Reborn with perfect knowledge
doing it right
this time
this time
doing it right
finally
this time
But I can't and I'm here
and the hour is growing late
"oh baby, baby... it's a wild world"
mine and theirs
mine...
The warm before the storm
triggers a thousand dusty memories...
kept alive
locked away,
opened suddenly and purposely
by the lyrics of of a song.
Emotionally stunted and frozen away,
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
A poker player I'll never be,
my immature feelings on display
for all who to care to look.
Never quite fitting in,
trying to find a spot within the memories of this place...
wondering why I came.
The warm before the storm
triggers a thousand dusty memories...
kept alive
locked away,
opened suddenly and purposely
by the lyrics of of a song.
Emotionally stunted and frozen away,
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
A poker player I'll never be,
my immature feelings on display
for all who to care to look.
Never quite fitting in,
trying to find a spot within the memories of this place...
wondering why I came.
part 2?
turn around to see what you haven't seen before,
take a step back, way back and see
from a distance, from above
the truth that was too clouded to see...
the truth that was hidden in the fog that you were lost in.
it's only when transcending that fog
up above in the now revealed sunlight
that you realize that nothing was lost
but everything was gained...
And all is in perfect order once the distance between the truth and illusion is traveled.
take a step back, way back and see
from a distance, from above
the truth that was too clouded to see...
the truth that was hidden in the fog that you were lost in.
it's only when transcending that fog
up above in the now revealed sunlight
that you realize that nothing was lost
but everything was gained...
And all is in perfect order once the distance between the truth and illusion is traveled.
poetic ramblings
Timeless moments, spread like an Angels wings...
cover me up in their soft mystery.
Whispering words, hints and glimpses...
a feather at my feet
It will all make sense.
Remembering times of another life
when I cannot yet fathom this one
The only thing is love, they say to me
time and again
the only thing is love
And that love, it erases fear, eradicates it's false grasp of pure illusion
But...
who are you today?
Why the fear upon waking?
And I ask you, my Angel dear, my one true friend...
Where is the truth, where does it lie among the words?
Erase the words and speak to my soul.
LOVE.... is the only sound I hear.
LOVE
Whispered to me without words.
LOVE...
cover me up in their soft mystery.
Whispering words, hints and glimpses...
a feather at my feet
It will all make sense.
Remembering times of another life
when I cannot yet fathom this one
The only thing is love, they say to me
time and again
the only thing is love
And that love, it erases fear, eradicates it's false grasp of pure illusion
But...
who are you today?
Why the fear upon waking?
And I ask you, my Angel dear, my one true friend...
Where is the truth, where does it lie among the words?
Erase the words and speak to my soul.
LOVE.... is the only sound I hear.
LOVE
Whispered to me without words.
LOVE...
something...
In the hell that exists between two ears,
the screaming confusion of life's mystery...
Who would dare enter another's realm of existence-
to the point of total immersion?
Could there be a way, and if there was,
would you ever find your way back...
and would you appreciate your own, more subtler hell.
Would your own torment seem soft, fluffy, even mundane
after merging with the inner dialogues of some other soul?
Or is it the far more terrifying answer...
to perhaps realize that your own hell is the rabid monster you always assumed it was.
the screaming confusion of life's mystery...
Who would dare enter another's realm of existence-
to the point of total immersion?
Could there be a way, and if there was,
would you ever find your way back...
and would you appreciate your own, more subtler hell.
Would your own torment seem soft, fluffy, even mundane
after merging with the inner dialogues of some other soul?
Or is it the far more terrifying answer...
to perhaps realize that your own hell is the rabid monster you always assumed it was.
Beautiful Water (old poem I forgot I wrote)
I have an adventurers's heart, and I seek to discover. What is beneath that calm... that perfectly serene surface of water? It could be that it is just as calm, no secrets are waiting. Or maybe...
Are there monsters, waiting to scare the hell out of anyone that dares dive in? Are there secrets locked away in rusted treasure chests? Are there creatures fighting with each other, creatures of love fighting with hate, creatures of joy fighting away sadness, creatures of calm- fighting off passion.
Or maybe it really is just as peaceful as it looks.
Is the water crystal clear, but for some reason I cannot see though it? Or has the water been darkened so that no one can...
All I see is the cool liquid surface, barely rippling. It is beautiful to look at... watching the sunlight reflect, mirroring the sky above. And in the still of night, a million stars glide on top.
But still, my curiosity steps in and urges me to dangle my fingers... just below the surface. Feel the warm comfort of the water as it caresses my hand. I know somehow there is nothing dangerous that will bite me.
For now I sleep by the shore.
Are there monsters, waiting to scare the hell out of anyone that dares dive in? Are there secrets locked away in rusted treasure chests? Are there creatures fighting with each other, creatures of love fighting with hate, creatures of joy fighting away sadness, creatures of calm- fighting off passion.
Or maybe it really is just as peaceful as it looks.
Is the water crystal clear, but for some reason I cannot see though it? Or has the water been darkened so that no one can...
All I see is the cool liquid surface, barely rippling. It is beautiful to look at... watching the sunlight reflect, mirroring the sky above. And in the still of night, a million stars glide on top.
But still, my curiosity steps in and urges me to dangle my fingers... just below the surface. Feel the warm comfort of the water as it caresses my hand. I know somehow there is nothing dangerous that will bite me.
For now I sleep by the shore.
a new poem
Strange days of surreal delights
Seemingly endless possibilities
A dream realized, a vision foretold
Moments that cannot be explained
Total transformation, even now
I barely recognize.
For a glimpse, I knew the answers
I spoke with God, Source of LOVE
I touched the sun
Unaware of its burn
As the blisters now form
I heal with them.
Allowing nature to take its course
Never forced.
When someday it makes sense
I will throw my head back and laugh
Knowing that all the while
I was unafraid
Unafraid to try, though I might fail
Unafraid to feel, though I may feel pain
Knowing that all the while
I did what few dared
I believed in a dream
I walked with courage to the sun
I climb the mountain so few
Dare to climb
I fall, but I get back up.
I have experienced so much
Good and bad
But I have experienced
I have lived life
To the fullest
And when others laugh, doubt, or judge
I am still unafraid.
I will still stand.
I will still LIVE
I will still LOVE
And when this world of illusion
Crumbles before my sight
And all is revealed
I will have no regrets
Because I dared to dream
I dared to follow my dreams
And I dared to LIVE life.
Seemingly endless possibilities
A dream realized, a vision foretold
Moments that cannot be explained
Total transformation, even now
I barely recognize.
For a glimpse, I knew the answers
I spoke with God, Source of LOVE
I touched the sun
Unaware of its burn
As the blisters now form
I heal with them.
Allowing nature to take its course
Never forced.
When someday it makes sense
I will throw my head back and laugh
Knowing that all the while
I was unafraid
Unafraid to try, though I might fail
Unafraid to feel, though I may feel pain
Knowing that all the while
I did what few dared
I believed in a dream
I walked with courage to the sun
I climb the mountain so few
Dare to climb
I fall, but I get back up.
I have experienced so much
Good and bad
But I have experienced
I have lived life
To the fullest
And when others laugh, doubt, or judge
I am still unafraid.
I will still stand.
I will still LIVE
I will still LOVE
And when this world of illusion
Crumbles before my sight
And all is revealed
I will have no regrets
Because I dared to dream
I dared to follow my dreams
And I dared to LIVE life.
Fall from grace
You idealized me
But did not realize me
You expected your expectations to be met
And when they weren't you felt regret
From that pedestal I fell from grace
And it was a slap in the face
Even with the best intentions
No one can live up to your perfection.
But did not realize me
You expected your expectations to be met
And when they weren't you felt regret
From that pedestal I fell from grace
And it was a slap in the face
Even with the best intentions
No one can live up to your perfection.
Please tell me....
Please tell me-
the truth,
how things will end up,
and what I should do.
Please tell me-
the answers,
the purpose,
and if I will be ok.
Uncertainty, doubts and questions
swirling through my mind.
Where does it all end?
When will it all make sense again?
I am Alice in the rabbit hole,
fed to a "reality" that doesn't exist...
grasping at the very small parts
that I know are true.
Truth.
Let's examine that. I can count the truths. I love my children, they love me.
I have a handful of very real friends, they are truth.
My face in the mirror.
The music on the radio.
My voice.
God.
Beyond that...
I just don't know.
the truth,
how things will end up,
and what I should do.
Please tell me-
the answers,
the purpose,
and if I will be ok.
Uncertainty, doubts and questions
swirling through my mind.
Where does it all end?
When will it all make sense again?
I am Alice in the rabbit hole,
fed to a "reality" that doesn't exist...
grasping at the very small parts
that I know are true.
Truth.
Let's examine that. I can count the truths. I love my children, they love me.
I have a handful of very real friends, they are truth.
My face in the mirror.
The music on the radio.
My voice.
God.
Beyond that...
I just don't know.
Early AM Poetry
Can you hear it?
The words that are unspoken...
the things we do not say.
Those moments in life when we are truly alive...
when you feel and see EVERYTHING.
That portal has opened up
invites you to step inside-
no... LEAP inside.
And then you are stuck. Frozen.
Unable to move forward, can't move back.
It's the words that are sticking-
like tar in your throat.
To be free, absolutely free-
we simply must unglue them.
Set your fears aside-
no... THROW them aside. Away.
And only then are you completely free.
Lifted up by truth.
Pure, fearless truth.
The words that are unspoken...
the things we do not say.
Those moments in life when we are truly alive...
when you feel and see EVERYTHING.
That portal has opened up
invites you to step inside-
no... LEAP inside.
And then you are stuck. Frozen.
Unable to move forward, can't move back.
It's the words that are sticking-
like tar in your throat.
To be free, absolutely free-
we simply must unglue them.
Set your fears aside-
no... THROW them aside. Away.
And only then are you completely free.
Lifted up by truth.
Pure, fearless truth.
Clarity while driving and listening to Mraz
You got the wrong idea about me...
I'm not just looking for the better deal
not with the way you make me feel.
I always keep it real.
My clarity, a rarity...
helps me to see
what I want to be.
The music is loud, pushing the crowd
from my mind...
It doesn't matter what it means
all we have is today
so I will stay
I will play
I will maintain my peace of mind.
I'm not just looking for the better deal
not with the way you make me feel.
I always keep it real.
My clarity, a rarity...
helps me to see
what I want to be.
The music is loud, pushing the crowd
from my mind...
It doesn't matter what it means
all we have is today
so I will stay
I will play
I will maintain my peace of mind.
Advice for the day...
Trusting in the process,
growing in the moments...
living life, lessons learned.
Hard to say,
who's to know
what is next in this life.
Just this:
Keep your heart open...
your mind free
and your spirit strong.
growing in the moments...
living life, lessons learned.
Hard to say,
who's to know
what is next in this life.
Just this:
Keep your heart open...
your mind free
and your spirit strong.
Brain drippings
And it hit me like a bomb.
This beautiful, pure and magical love.
It was sudden and new,
yet seemed like it would be everlasting.
But then...
but then...
It was gone.
The promises, the plans...
just a fictional short story.
And I hurt, Oh...
how I hurt.
Day after day I cried for you.
And your voice would break those
wounds right open.
But then you wised up.
Figured it out.
You didn't want to hurt me anymore.
And I thank you for that.
And I am OK now.
I am moving on.
I am saying goodbye to what almost was...
what never will be...
but will always remain
a chapter in my book.
This beautiful, pure and magical love.
It was sudden and new,
yet seemed like it would be everlasting.
But then...
but then...
It was gone.
The promises, the plans...
just a fictional short story.
And I hurt, Oh...
how I hurt.
Day after day I cried for you.
And your voice would break those
wounds right open.
But then you wised up.
Figured it out.
You didn't want to hurt me anymore.
And I thank you for that.
And I am OK now.
I am moving on.
I am saying goodbye to what almost was...
what never will be...
but will always remain
a chapter in my book.
It's called heartbreak.
At first it's nothing, and then it's everything.
And it becomes nothing once again.
You try and try to figure it out. Sort it. Reason with it. Argue. Cry.
Still nothing.
Then you search for it...
In crowded rooms...
wherever you go...
around the corner.
A priceless broken heirloom...
A replacement cannot be found...
because it no longer exists.
So you decide.
You decide to not waste any more time,
any more energy,
any more emotion.
You simply say goodbye.
You remember.
You cherish.
And then, in time...
the hurt lessens.
But never fully departs.
What once was...
can never be again.
And it becomes nothing once again.
You try and try to figure it out. Sort it. Reason with it. Argue. Cry.
Still nothing.
Then you search for it...
In crowded rooms...
wherever you go...
around the corner.
A priceless broken heirloom...
A replacement cannot be found...
because it no longer exists.
So you decide.
You decide to not waste any more time,
any more energy,
any more emotion.
You simply say goodbye.
You remember.
You cherish.
And then, in time...
the hurt lessens.
But never fully departs.
What once was...
can never be again.
portrait of many
She would not sleep
for fear of her dreams
but not because they were scary...
It was that her dreams at night
were more interesting than her real life
and she often woke disappointed to return.
Her distractions battled
with her obligations
she forced herself to allow the obligations win.
When the most exciting thing in her day
was a virtual world
her escape from the day to day
the always needed, never appreciated
But don't pity the poor soul...
she is happy.
for fear of her dreams
but not because they were scary...
It was that her dreams at night
were more interesting than her real life
and she often woke disappointed to return.
Her distractions battled
with her obligations
she forced herself to allow the obligations win.
When the most exciting thing in her day
was a virtual world
her escape from the day to day
the always needed, never appreciated
But don't pity the poor soul...
she is happy.
Who am I
I caught a glimpse
just today
of the person I used to be.
The music was turned up
a soul-happy song.
I used to turn it up all the time.
Now it's someone else' music.
I need to repossess my life.
just today
of the person I used to be.
The music was turned up
a soul-happy song.
I used to turn it up all the time.
Now it's someone else' music.
I need to repossess my life.
We are slaves
Please give me something to
distract me.
My life is hard. I want
easy and happy.
So sell me purses. Games. Cars. Soda. Fast food.
These things will make me happy.
Numb my brain
so I don't have to think.
Give me shows to watch on the
hypno-box.
Tell me which pill
I must take for the emotion
I desire.
Don't listen when people tell you that
true happiness
is in long walks
being with friends
camping
being in the sun
running
singing
dancing
family
in being awake and aware.
distract me.
My life is hard. I want
easy and happy.
So sell me purses. Games. Cars. Soda. Fast food.
These things will make me happy.
Numb my brain
so I don't have to think.
Give me shows to watch on the
hypno-box.
Tell me which pill
I must take for the emotion
I desire.
Don't listen when people tell you that
true happiness
is in long walks
being with friends
camping
being in the sun
running
singing
dancing
family
in being awake and aware.
suburban prison
Trapped in this suburban prison... How did I even get here?
A series of action, consequences. I mean, how does anyone end up in prison?
"Why would you want to leave?"
It's safe.... it's quiet. IT'S SAFE.
Have songs, movies, books EVER been written about SAFE and QUIET?
Has anyone been INSPIRED by SAFE and QUIET?
Passion and suburbia cannot be combined.
Solitary confinement for my sins.
Indentured servitude.
Keep Sweet.
I want to PUKE
I'm living someone else's LIFE!
Tucked into your suburban beds. Bedtime stories- war is far away. Famine is far away. No monsters here.
Just go to sleep.
But I'm an insomniac-looking for the TRUE story.
This is not LIFE. This is an ILLUSION.
Illusion of happiness. Keep Sweet.
Do what you are told (subliminally)
Do what is "right" (advertisements, magazines)
Ladies home journal. Woman's day. Good Housekeeping. Better Homes and Gardens. Flock-Following Monthly.
Pretty little jail cells... a wreath on the door. Scented candles. Decorate your prison.
LET ME OUT!
A series of action, consequences. I mean, how does anyone end up in prison?
"Why would you want to leave?"
It's safe.... it's quiet. IT'S SAFE.
Have songs, movies, books EVER been written about SAFE and QUIET?
Has anyone been INSPIRED by SAFE and QUIET?
Passion and suburbia cannot be combined.
Solitary confinement for my sins.
Indentured servitude.
Keep Sweet.
I want to PUKE
I'm living someone else's LIFE!
Tucked into your suburban beds. Bedtime stories- war is far away. Famine is far away. No monsters here.
Just go to sleep.
But I'm an insomniac-looking for the TRUE story.
This is not LIFE. This is an ILLUSION.
Illusion of happiness. Keep Sweet.
Do what you are told (subliminally)
Do what is "right" (advertisements, magazines)
Ladies home journal. Woman's day. Good Housekeeping. Better Homes and Gardens. Flock-Following Monthly.
Pretty little jail cells... a wreath on the door. Scented candles. Decorate your prison.
LET ME OUT!
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